Tell Them

I'm told that time will make it better but I can't imagine this feeling ever going away. I still can't believe that this has happened and I still can't believe she's gone. I feel like I could call her now and she would answer the phone w/ her usual "Sustah" cuz that's what she did. Family gatherings will never be as funny, or entertaining, or close to the same ever again. My only question is Why?? Seriously drugs and money?! drugs and money?! It's just not fair.
My grandfather says that there is a reason for this and we can't see it thru the pain right now but something good will come from this, I can't imagine what that could possibly be, but I'll hope that something good does come from it.
I guess if I've learned anything this past week it's to not take ur loved ones for granted cuz they may be gone tomorrow. It wasn't until my grandmother got sick that I even started telling ppl I loved them. But tell them you love them, give them a hug. Tell them often and mean it. And I knew that before hand but I look back and I realize that I did take having her for granted. Don't let a tragedy like this have to teach you the hard way. I regret that the last time I talked to her I don't kno if I told her I loved her or not. Don't have a reason to question something like that, say it everytime, so you'll be sure. I kno that she knows I love her and will always but I do wish that I hadn't taken her presence here for granted.

"Bye Bye"
Mariah Carey

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it but you kept me in line
I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings, and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through
All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show because
You loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today face to face

[Chorus:]
I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on like
I wish I could talk to you for awhile
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by
And it's true that you've reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And I'm right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say bye bye

(Bye Bye [3x])
Bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done
And you never got to see me back at number one
I wish that you were here to celebrate together
I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to tuck me in at night
With the Teddy Bear you gave to me that I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact you're gone forever

[Chorus]

(bye bye bye bye bye bye [3x])
Bye bye

This is for my peoples who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby, your man, or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye (no, no, no)
Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers, friends and cousins
This is for my peoples who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky 'cause we will never say bye

[Chorus]

Untitled

I debated about whether to post this blog or not, because it is family and I've always said when ppl wrote things like this that 'everybody didn't wanna kno ur family's business' and if u don't wanna kno stop reading now, cuz it helps me to write it out, so welcome to my grieving process.
I'll begin by saying that my family is far from conventional but we were close and we love one another to no end. I have 4 aunts, 3 of which I have lived w/ at some point in my childhood. Before I moved in w/ my grandparents, my mother and I lived w/ my oldest aunt and her family for 2 yrs. Her youngest son is 11 months older than me and we were like brother & sister for that time. We shared a room, we watched power rangers before school everyday, we rode the bus together everyday, we played together everyday, we fought just like siblings, we swam together, we were kids together. We were somewhat close until we entered our teens, then we lived in diff. towns and we weren't like siblings anymore, but we were still family.
If I had to describe his mom, my aunt w/ one word it would be: giving. She would do anything and everything for anybody in need, sometimes to a fault. She did so much for me and for my entire family, and she always forgave family, always. No matter what they did (and some members of my family have done some messed up things) she would still say they are family. I love her and I always will.
On Thursday morning I woke up to my youngest aunt calling to tell me that my oldest aunt had been found dead. Disbelief set in and I couldn't believe it was possible, I didn't understand why, I just couldn't comprehend. Once I managed to calm down somewhat I was told that they believed her youngest son was responsible. I felt like the air had been sucked out of my chest I couldn't breathe, I couldn't speak, I couldn't move. That just wasn't right, he couldn't have done this, he wouldn't have done this, they were wrong he couldn't have done it. But in fact he had done it, he was captured and he confessed. I know that the person that pulled that trigger was not the little boy that I played cops and robbers with, I know that the person that did this heinous thing was not the person that I knew without the drugs, I know that but that doesn't make the pain any less. Now I grieve the loss of my aunt, that was taken from this Earth way 2 soon. I want to hate him and feel anger towards him 4 taking someone I love away from me, for causing our family more pain than we could ever imagine. I can't make myself feel those things tho, right now all I feel is hurt, hurt that he did this to her, hurt that this is what drugs brought him 2, hurt that he took her away, hurt that she didn't deserve this, hurt that he did this 2 OUR family, hurt that I still love him, and hurt that I will always love and miss her.